As I went through the previous part before starting this one, I realised we have covered the source of boundaries very extensively and while we have established that it can start in the childhood as a coping mechanism, is it fair to blame upbringing for everything? I know quite a few people who would readily jump up and say “our parents did their best” or “they did not know better” or “we should be grateful for what they did do” in response to childhood issues. I agree with all of these statements too though without generalising them as some people just aren’t meant to be parents and may end up messing things for their children because they just do not care and while it is difficult to accept that these kind of parents may exist, they do and it is better to not get into that in the present subject. 
But for those parents to whom these above mentioned phrases do apply, it is definitely true. I told these things to myself quite often in my own therapeutic journey too as it was very difficult for me to fathom that my parents may have done this intentionally. They did not, they just genuinely did not know better. They came from so many issues of their own that their primary goal was to just give me a better life in terms of education, comfort, basic needs and see me successful and financially independent because it was difficult for them to even achieve that for themselves early on so yes it is understandable that I should be grateful for what they did do and that they did not know better and with time I was able to accept that to myself.  
Now what? My parent’s intentions being in the right place did not eliminate all the issues that I continued to face and I had no idea how to heal or overcome them. What was done was done and there was no point in beating myself up or blaming them in my mind forever. But what else are we supposed to do when we come to this stage of acceptance without healing? This is where self-awareness and accountability comes in. When we were children, whatever messages we received because of which we developed unhealthy coping mechanisms continue to exist in our present and if we’re not careful, in our and our children’s futures as well. From here the journey of discernment starts and this is the Chinese wall.  
A lot of people stay stuck here because they feel unable to discern what went wrong and where. If I start believing everything that I am and everything that I do being right, there is hardly any room for change or introspection. We are all humans and none of us are perfect and it is time that we do start looking at ourselves that way, with room for change and progress. When we look at our own behaviours and thoughts with an eye for discernment and openness to learning and changing, it becomes easy for us to take the first step towards healing contrary to strongly believing we are right all the time. Our struggles are our main indication here. This is not to blame ourselves for everything that we face in life but rather to take a step back and evaluate as to how we might have contributed to them too. 
Sometimes there may be nothing we could have done to change or prevent our circumstances and that is understandable but other times, it is imperative for us to be aware of our own contributions to our situations and belief systems. For instance, when we go through a break up, when someone close to us takes advantage of us, when people continuously disrespect or disregard us, when we constantly feel alone, when we feel let down by everyone around us, these are signs for us to take a step back and re-evaluate as to whether we might be unconsciously doing something that may not be in favour of us.  
Why would we do something like that? Do we not want the best for ourselves and the people around us at all times? Sure! But like discussed in the previous part, a child who has been constantly conditioned to repress their instincts and emotions may not even be consciously aware of what it is that they truly need. If you ask this child once they’re an adult, they might say things like “I just want someone to love me, be there for me no matter what and to accept me for who I am”, “I just want to be successful”, “I just want to stop feeling so alone”, “I want genuinely good people around me” and so on. We unconsciously end up believing in different things. Let me give you an example to help understand this in a simpler way 
If a child says no for something and the parent may have gotten angry, given the child the silent treatment, complained to the other parent or relatives about the child’s behaviour, yelled or spanked the child or threatened to, then the message a child with a developing brain receives is that their behaviour is inappropriate, saying no is inappropriate and if they say no then they may be abandoned or stop being loved by the person on whom the child depends for survival.  
Now when this child grows up, the nervous system continues to work with the same message. This time when the grown up adult looks at people taking advantage of them, pushing them to do things they are not comfortable with, or even very small things like asking for help, the adult is still not able to say no despite having good reasons for it because while the child grew up, the nervous system continues to operate the exact same way, its main goal still remains the child or the adult’s survival and saying no feels like a threat to survival itself even though rationally that is not the case in any of the above mentioned scenarios.  
For this adult, when people around them tell “Just say no”, “Just say you cannot do it”, “Tell them you are busy”, “You should stop letting people push you over”, they already know all of this rationally but they cannot get themselves to do it because survival instincts, the safety or lack thereof that the nervous system picks up when we are young is what continues to drive our behaviours and decision making and this adult may find it a matter of survival to pull away from someone with bad intentions or say no to protect themselves. 
Will be continued...
If you or someone you know needs help to learn more about how to draw healthy boundaries, consider reaching out to our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals for affordable and inclusive assistance!     
  
Like our content? Please show us some support by sharing and up-voting!    
   
Image Credits: Pexels.com