Connection with ourselves, just how do we go about this?  
Like I have mentioned in one of the previous parts of this article, bubble baths and sheet masks are great but to actually build that connection with ourselves it is imperative for us to first explore and understand ourselves. It isn’t ideal to believe that the love of a romantic partner or a dear friend will heal our lives and all the experiences and emotions we have gone through previously. This belief in one idealised relationship which will end up filling all the void, fit like a puzzle leads to people projecting this onto their existing relationships or their fantasies of a future relationship. Very few adults if any can live up to these expectations which is bound to cause further dissatisfaction and can leave us feeling more lonely than before. 
This leads to more pain than all the good emotions we are expecting to experience. The belief that if I can just attain this one ideal person, one ideal relationship, then I will feel the way I’m meant to feel, this person or relationship would enable us to transcend all our grief and wounds of the past is quite predominant everywhere. But then when we do love, do we love the actual person for who they are? Do we even see the real them? Or are we too busy projecting onto them what we think they are or they should be? 
It is essential to realise that some people can help us mend our heart but really we need to do the heavy lifting and learn to love ourselves first. And while I was talking about a similar topic with my colleague, I also realised how I see a common pattern in most people, clients, friends, colleagues and sometimes even in myself that just knowing all of this or being in therapy, reading different books in themselves do not help completely. Forming this connection with ourselves is a process. 
One of my clients came up to me repeatedly to talk of the same core issues, even though they were wrapped in different ways each time and when we spoke, it felt like this person understood everything but then why were they coming back again with the same issue, why wasn’t this helping. It was silly of me to expect it would magically somehow heal them in the first place. A lot of times, when we meet very educated clients, one’s who themselves have some amount of insight into human psychology, or those who are extremely receptive and agree with what we speak about can make us believe they are going to be fine very soon but I know as well as anyone that knowing is not the same as believing and we need to foster that belief in us that “we are enough”.  
It is harder than it sounds but it also isn’t impossible. When we start the work of healing and acceptance, it can last as long as years together for some of us and its fair since we have developed these coping mechanisms and traits also over years. But what is important meanwhile is to be conscious of our thoughts and behaviour, to remind ourselves that we are not perfect and it is not what we are aiming for, that our aim is slow progress, to practice consistency.  
It is quite simple really, we constantly choose ourselves even though we feel an immense urge to choose someone else and abandon ourselves. Being comfortable in our skin, in our own company is the primary aim, to genuinely enjoy being with ourselves. This can look like spending a designated period of time with ourselves once a week, indulging in a hobby that has no ulterior motives except that we genuinely like it, to talk to ourselves, soothe ourselves, to tell ourselves “I love you”, that no matter who comes and goes we are always there for ourselves.  
This is more than enough to start with and then comes believing in what we tell ourselves. It isn’t ideal to expect us to not need anyone else except ourselves and that isn’t the intention of this either. It is to ensure that when we do meet someone, we are not operating from a place of fear or desperation or void rather a more wholesome place of wanting a genuine healthy connection and more importantly to be able to thrive in our skin, our lives without these connections too.  
And an equally important thing to learn acceptance towards is some amount of loneliness as it exists quite naturally in all our lives at times. It is impossible for us to always feel the connection with either ourselves or with people in our lives and at times like these, it is okay to build acceptance around this feeling instead of wanting to escape it. This can help us cultivate creativity, self-reflection and a mindful presence. This can gradually also lead to a free mind and learn self-compassion.   
This article has been on a subject very close to my heart and the whole point for which it was divided into parts was to be able to make justice in covering everything that can be included in an article. It has also included parts of my personal journey and excerpts from my client cases over the years to be able to deliver a well-rounded portrayal which I’m hoping most of us have been able to resonate with at some time or the other while reading this. It is also written with the awareness that an article cannot take the place of an entire journey of healing but only to give us a start, to nudge us in the right direction. I can only hope that for those of you who have been experiencing this, this article can act as a start to what I hope is a satisfactory journey of healing, growth and finding yourselves. 
If you or someone you know needs help to manage loneliness, consider reaching out to our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals for affordable and inclusive assistance!     
  
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