We live and grow up in a culture where abuse from siblings or, for that matter, from known people is not looked upon as severe. Families and societal norms expect us to love our siblings, accept them as they are, ignore their abusive acts, and stay by them irrespectively. Such norms and expectations make it difficult for those suffering to open up about their abuse. Even when they open up, their trusted support system silences them instead of empowering them to voice themselves.  
Sibling abuse as a social issue.  
 When we understand sibling abuse, we see age, gender, and sexual identities playing a significant role. Cis-gendered older men (the big brothers) seem to dominate their younger sisters or "less manly" brothers. At the same time, older cis-gendered women (the big sisters) can also abuse their younger siblings. Or, there is no rule that it's always only the older siblings who abuse. Sometimes, younger siblings can also grow up abusive towards their older siblings.  
When looking at abuse, it is essential to understand the parents, family, and community culture's roles. Individuals are connected to their social surroundings, and every tiny aspect of society affects individual behavior and patterns. We may disagree on how much the external factors shape us; we may keep reiterating "I don't care" and still care about what others say or think. Still, these disagreements in opinions may not change the fact that sibling abuse is a lived reality for many. It is an under-spoken, under-recognized form of abuse in India and worldwide.  
The middle child's vulnerability 
Culturally, we place more importance and value on the eldest and the youngest children. For example, in some families, the most aged children are the most loved being the first child born in the family. At the same time, they get less attention from family members because the younger sibling is born. The middle child often seems comparatively more vulnerable among the siblings. An unhealthy environment where sibling abuse is not well addressed in the family may make the siblings feel angry with each other. This anger may often emerge as violence displayed on and amongst each other.  
Lack of education, family planning, and parenthood often results in the parents normalizing sibling abuse. Parents often don't know how to cope with sibling abuse healthily. They can be active carriers of sibling abuse and normalize it. Or, they may leave the children to find their own ways to cope with abusive siblings. When left on our own to manage, chances of us engaging with healthy coping mechanisms become less.  
Time may not often be the best healer. 
It is often believed that time will heal everything and is the best medicine, but this may not always be true. At least in the case of sibling abuse, it isn't. Parents or grandparents often ignore the problems amongst siblings, saying, "They are kids now. They will be mature once they grow." Expecting a positive change in an individual's behaviors is possible when they have the right resources to help themselves grow and develop and when they are willing to. However, things don't go well for everyone with time, and the issues escalate.  
In our patriarchal society, where cis-gendered men are valued the most, they become more patriarchal, controlling, and abusive. We see patriarchy damaging the relations between brothers and sisters and amongst brothers. However, how often do we address the root cause? i.e., patriarchy. On the contrary, we expect the sisters to be silent, apologetic, and respectful towards their brothers. Even the brothers are expected to respect their elder brothers irrespective of the abuse they inflict.  
These expectations are culturally and religiously shaped by setting religious figures as idols. For example, in most Hindu families, brothers are expected to live like lords Ram and Laxman, where the younger brother is forever ready to serve the older brother and his wife. On the other hand, the sisters are expected to be like Shanta, whose existence is also less known!  
This tells us that the issue of sibling abuse needs more than the siblings to work on themselves. It requires a collective effort, accountability, and reflection at various levels from the parents, families, and communities at large. It requires unlearning the set of regressive examples and learning healthy coping mechanisms!  
This post represents the author’s personal views and experiences. iDare doesn’t endorse or take responsibility for the views expressed. 
 
If you or somebody you know is experiencing sibling abuse, please seek the right help from our experts on the 'Engage' vertical, or talk to a trained listener on our 'Support' vertical.  
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