Like all of us, I grew up looking at mothers as beings who are supposed to care for and nurture us. Maa was somebody who did so very lovingly. However, I also witnessed her struggles to do so. On the days she struggled to be the ideal Maa, papa ensured to shower me with love and care. He did it not on her behalf but on his own. I grew up with healthy parenthood, unlike most of my friends who were nurtured with motherhood.  

Maa and papa shared parenthood. Papa, like in most families, was the money maker, and Maa made our lives. As a child, we don’t know the struggles of either and continue to live in our tiny bubbles. As an adult managing both by myself today, I realize how taken for granted were their lives in my life. I know the child doesn’t need to think about these matters. But I am reflecting on my childhood today to convey some essential, less focused parts of the parent-child bond.  

While Maa ensured dad had fewer struggling days to do his part, it was hard for dad to be constantly available for Maa. We often don’t realize how difficult it can get to care, love, and nurture. Women are often wrongly assumed to be good at doing this. And it took me a lot of formal and informal learning to accept and realize the gender stereotypes we live with. It was hard for Maa to be a constant giver. It is hard to raise children, especially in a culture where learning to be a parent is not prioritized. We don’t plan our children; we are not ready for them. Parents in our culture often get no space or time to unlearn their unhealthy behavior patterns and replace them with healthy ones. Their traumas remain unhealed. 

Furthermore, as mothers, women continue to suffer more because of the expectations levied on them to be the calm ones, the more loving ones. Maa found this difficult, and rightly so. But her expression of the difficulty came out in unhealthy ways, which complicated our bonds. I would compare her with other mothers; she would compare me with other daughters. Both of us felt we are not being good enough for each other. However, today, when I reflect and see her beyond my father’s relationship as a mother to me, I see her for what she was. I believe nobody could have instilled the values of independence and dignity in me the way she did. I witnessed how important these values were to her because I saw her struggling to maintain her dignity in a patriarchal setup – a setup where probably her daughter was a constant reminder of the unfair restrictions that limited her.  

It took us time and more effort from me to grow our relationship. I say more effort from me because I had more resources and needed the relationship to be healthier for my peace. I realized the need to heal myself. And we got on the journey together. It’s been more than two years that Maa doesn’t live amongst us anymore. But now, I remember Maa more for her identity and what she was as a person. I remember her as the first woman I knew in my life who continued to live a dignified existence and believed in giving love when she could.  

This post represents the author’s personal views and experiences. iDare doesn’t endorse or take responsibility for the opinions expressed. 

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