I sit there in silence. A defiant silence takes over the bathroom. 
All I see are smudged visions, 
and I am willing to drive to the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel 
Is a dark claustrophobic paranoia. The tunnel is  
A feeling of ten thousand rocks being sown into my stomach. 
The tunnel is nauseating as it sits at the centre of my chest. 
My inner dialogue argues with it, wanting to see the light. 
The light is a place I wish to be in that moment. I do 
not care how I get there or by what means I get there.  
Light is just that. Feeling light. That burden is no longer yours to carry.  
The air you breathe feels more satiating than every bite you took. 
The light is a feeling of unlocking the shackles of guilt, 
throwing them in the toilet and flushing them. 
In that moment, all I want to do is reach to it, 
So it starts like clockwork. I kneel to the ground 
And both my hands hold the seat tightly.  
A steering wheel. Contemplating my choices 
Amidst the traffic up here. I make a choice. 
Finger in. Finger out. Head up. Head down. 
And there it goes. I do it again. Till I feel the light. 
Feel light. As spit drips from my mouth and tears  
Fall from my eyes. I look into it. I see the past. 
I see how I felt before. I see my guilt. 
I see when I should have stopped. I see when I didn’t.  
Now I am out of the tunnel. The light Is there.  
I have it. Just for a moment. It is fleeting.  
Now all I am is empty. The tunnel between  
My chest filled a whole in my heart. Now I have a 
Gaping hollow hole of nothingness. I flew so high.  
And I fell back on the ground. I sit there in silence. 

 

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