As an adult today, I often reflect on the various conversations I have heard and been a part of in my life around women's bodies. I remember how, almost every time, through different ways, my elders made me think that "a good girl is clean and pure." the child in me then thought that it was about cleanliness and body hygiene. But then, with time, I uncovered the hidden meaning attached to my body. 

My body's cleanliness has less to do about its hygiene and more with who, how, and how many men have touched it. The more I understood how society understood my body, the bigger the question, "Am I clean?" became. Finally, today, the question went through a process of becoming so big that my mind couldn't give it enough space. The question burst! Phew! I could not care enough about my cleanliness, lol! Thanks to the feminist understanding I developed with time saved me from making my entire identity revolve around purity and pollution. 

Held within for many years, this may seem like more of a rant and less of a story, but I believe there are stories everywhere if you want to hear them out. 

In the culture that I come from, people are married at a young age, and like many other cultures, a clean girl is desirable. Since I witnessed and lived through the silencing of my abuse, it was not difficult to connect the dots of a stinking rotted system called patriarchy. With time, I understood that marriage involves sex; and men want to have sex with virgin women. Here is where I found myself caught in a dilemma. I knew we understood virgin girls as girls who have never engaged in sex before, but I didn't know what we understand as sex. I would often find myself conversing - 

Do we see sex as a mutually consensual activity? 

Yes. Then why are we only questioning women's sexual experiences? 

No. Well, then, it is rape. And how fair is it to first abuse people and then deny them any space to be desired and loved? 

Why only virgin girls? 

Why do we not hear about virgin boys as much as virgin girls? Maybe if we also talk about them, we will have stories of abuse coming from men too. But do we not already know about boys' rapes? Do the abusers not know and remember what they do? I am sure they recognize; they don't want to accept and talk about it. 

While I let my mind wander to different areas, would also come to this thought - 

What about the men who lived child sexual abuse? Do they also believe in virgin women? Do they raise any voices against virginity? I haven't seen any yet, though. 

While I didn't find any man very vocally standing against virginity, I did come across some who felt sympathetic or masculine in the real sense to love rape victims. As a rape survivor, I would not want to live and feel valued based on sympathy or make men feel their masculinity. 

At the same time, the same men would not want women in their lives who are not virgins and not rape survivors. Maybe because here, with these women, they don't feel heroic or respected enough? The man feeling like a hero and well respected is all that patriarchy and virginity are about, then! I hope the patriarchs reading this realize what patriarchy has made out of them. Something as sensitive and harmless as a piece of skin determines our identities and whether we should love and value people. 

How can we expect vagina-owning bodies not to own something as personal as their bodies without guilt? How can we live with one of the most sensitive body organs being burdened with something as huge as social honor? How can we keep teaching our kids the importance of virginity? Or how can we let any childhood go waste thinking if they will ever be clean enough? 

This post represents the author’s personal views and experiences. iDare doesn’t endorse or take responsibility for the views expressed. 

 

If you or somebody you know is experiencing sexual abuse or any other form of abuse, please seek the help you need from our experts on the 'Engage' vertical or talk to a trained listener on the 'Support' vertical.  

Like our content? Please show us some support by sharing and up voting! 

Image Credits - Pexels.com