While I always experienced some level of anxiety in mundane life, I used to be someone who had no idea what a panic attack looked like. 

But about two years ago, everything shattered, and I changed. My mind and body changed after facing the sudden loss of my beloved mother. The hurt was so deep that I could feel it all over my body. I continue to. There are days when my stomach growls, and no food can calm it, when I feel my bones aching, and it’s not the pain that goes away with painkillers, my ribs contracting, my eyes crying without tears, sudden outbursts of crying, and so much more I feel tired to write about.  

Tiredness. Being tired has become a constant state of being for me. And what tires me? The constant fear of death. I, who was someone who lived life fearlessly, now lose hope at the slightest inconvenience.  

Maa’s sudden loss left me with a life of constant fear – the fear of death. Death haunts me; I fear that my loved ones or I will die very soon or without living their lives to the fullest.  

While I continue to have the chirpy and happy side of my personality with me, it doesn’t feel as natural a part of me anymore. I remember how after losing her, being happy has felt like an effortful performance.  

Nothing now continues to be as straightforward as it was earlier. Now, a deep sense of sorrow remains attached to every comfortable feeling. And with every discomfort, there is the peace of erasure. That this won’t stay forever – nothing does.  

However, today, I have lived for more than two years without Maa and with death anxiety. Like most of us, I am here striving for productivity and keeping myself alive.  

I know this anxiety won’t go by itself and must be addressed.  

I take therapy. 

I care for myself as kindly as I can. 

I seek help when I need it. 

I express gratitude for the tiny and huge things I feel happy for.  

I place healthy boundaries.  

I eat well.  

I workout. 

I sleep well.  

I stay in touch with my loved ones.  

But what I don’t know is what’s coming ahead. Life, death, or more resilience? None of us knows it.  

Accepting that none of us know what’s coming ahead helps me. I work on acceptance in life and see it adding the value I need to cope and survive.  

I accept that it’s okay not to be constantly thriving in life.  

I accept that I had my thriving days and did well then. 

I accept the pain I have today.  

I accept Maa’s physical loss and her strong emotional presence now.  

I accept that things will eventually get better. Hopefully. Maybe not in one day, but someday, I will find myself writing a less sad note : )  

 

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