This piece is reflective about a woman who survived a codependent relationship and has moved on, hopefully, healthily : )  

As I write this story, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about expressing myself. I feel guilty for feeling my emotions and accepting that my relationship was codependent. Because when this relationship started and the way it progressed, I could sense nothing but love. I was a kid when I got into this relationship, which continued until I entered my early adulthood. We grew together regarding our age. But regarding us as individuals, I wish we could have grown together… 

We were together for about a decade. Our relationship didn’t start as a codependent one; it got so with time. It was tough and challenging with the differences in our religious identities. Even while our sociocultural backgrounds were quite similar, we were socially divided. This division added to the gap that existed between our growths. Plus, to add to it, it was a long-distance relationship!  

Honestly, the long-distance never bothered me. I thought it was a reason we could even continue a complicated relationship for about a decade, hiding from our families. However, when I reflect on my relationship today, I realize how deeply our social environment contributes to our romantic relationships. Thankfully as a social science student, I always had a sense of it. Maybe this is why I didn’t experience holding any negativity against my ex-partner or found it tough to move on after the breakup.  

Growing up in a migrated, over-protective family, I barely experienced freedom. And by freedom, I mean the basic fun in life where I could enjoy a movie with friends, go out with them, spend a night out together, or any other excitements friends share in their teen years. I understand why these pleasures were kept away from me, and I don’t repent. Again, my social studies helped me understand where my parents came from, why they behaved the way they did, and much more.  

It might seem strange to many, but I learned to be independent in this restrained family. The gender-based division of labor at home made me learn basic survival skills very soon. By the age of thirteen, I was making round rotis and some best cups of tea. By twenty, I could manage a home like my mother. Thanks to the training of being a good wife, I was trained to survive anywhere, with anyone. However, in the process, I realized that the child in me was lost. I didn’t know immaturity and how people can live irresponsible lives.  

My family started seeing a groom for me when I was thirteen. Altealst that’s the youngest I remember! And their search for grooms, with me being fully trained, made me believe that I was ready for something as serious as marriage. But I was scared of the men around me. They were all dependent on women for their mundane necessities. I knew my family would look for somebody similar as they saw no issues with the sexism that prevailed. I was looking for something different. I felt confident and responsible enough to look for a groom myself. And that’s how I found my ex-partner, a soft-spoken man who showed interest in me and my abilities.     

With him, I felt seen, heard, and respected. Something I missed from my family as they were too busy training me. But little did I know what was coming ahead.  

I shared a bond with my ex-partner where we shared traumatic childhoods and complicated relationships with our parents and family. This made us respect and value each other more because, this time, with each other, we didn’t have to bother about being responsible or mature. We enjoyed being silly. But I guess that’s what our relationship remained: having fun and being silly, which wouldn’t help us in the long run.  

As life progressed, my frustration with sexism in the family grew. The patriarchy around me would choke me. This was when my support systems made me realize the importance of moving out. I wanted a good life for myself and my partner. I knew that since I was more educated, I would have to make the best of the employment opportunities. I worked hard to clear entrance tests at universities outside my home place and secured a seat in one of the best educational institutes. But now, making it to the classroom wasn’t easy either. My family disapproved of me moving out. How could they approve? At my age, the daughters become mothers in my community; they don’t become post-graduates. Somehow, I made things work in my favor. I was determined to give the best for my partner. But sadly, it felt like only I remained determined.  

While I was able to mend my ways, my partner couldn’t. I became independent, and he depended on me for his emotional and financial needs. The dependency continued for years, and with time, I found it burdensome. I had lost the free space I once saw with him – to communicate my feelings about the burden I was experiencing. I couldn’t tell him how his dependency was making my life difficult. Honestly, I also felt angry for feeling my feelings. I thought I was being irrational and not being a good lover. I tried until I could - until I was exhausted.  

My mind and body were now not the same anymore. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression issues. When I communicated this to my partner, he didn’t know how to support me because I was the support provider throughout the relationship. We mutually agreed that we had lost what we had years ago and parted ways.  

Parting was not easy. According to him, he was clueless about how he would move on without me. And for me, I couldn’t feel anything… 

This post represents the author’s personal views and experiences. iDare doesn't endorse or take responsibility for the opinions expressed.  

Moving on from a codependent relationship can be challenging for many. If you or anybody you know is going through similar experiences, kindly reach us for support via our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals. We provide affordable and quality psycho-legal services to help you reclaim power : )   

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