It all started with those silly pink jeans my silly little 6 year-old-body couldn’t fit into. But what do you know at age 6? Too bad I knew shame for not fitting into my teeny-tiny pink jeans.  

 

Over the years, that shame grew. It grew with raging fury. My body didn’t feel like mine. When I looked into the mirror, it felt like I was looking at someone else, but not myself.  

 

I stood tall, 5 feet 8 inches to be precise. I weighed 97 kilograms.  

 

At age 18, my name was Kavya ‘Diet’ Ashok. Why? Because I was always on a diet - you name it, I did it. Vegan, Keto, Paleo, Carb-free, GM.  

 

My wallpaper? Kayla Itsines - my favourite Instagram influencer, who weighed 55 kg. My dream body.  

 

The whole world knew about my diet, but nobody saw Kavya sitting in her bedroom and eating kilos of chocolate, chips, and pizza when nobody was watching.  

 

Starving - binge-eating - starving.  

 

Cycles I was so tired of.  

 

A weight that I was so scared of.  

 

The skin I was so afraid to show.  

 

Hopeless. Trapped.  

 

The year 2019. A New Year, the Same Resolution. “I need to lose 35 kgs in 12 months”.  

 

But I lost it in 9 instead.  

 

But also my hair, my skin, and my natural metabolic cycle.  

250-350 calories a day maximum, I told myself.  

 

Workout? 2 hours at the gym - a 5 kilometer run every day.  

 

Calorie count in - 350. Energy output - 1500+.  

 

97 kilograms to 64 kilograms. 9 months. Yet, I didn’t know the girl in the mirror. Yet, I wasn’t happy to meet her.  

 

The year 2020. I found solace and company and solidarity with friends who purged after heavy meals.  

 

So I did it too.  

 

But I was caught. I needed help.  

 

My body was screaming for food. So I got help. 5 sessions in, I was diagnosed. Anorexia. Orthorexia. Binge Eating Disorder. Body Dysmorphia. 

 

 I was tired, so so so tired.  

 

The year 2024.  

 

Hello, my name is Kavya. I am an eating disorder survivor and certified foodie.  

 

I don’t weigh myself anymore, I eat what I want, when I want, and love to run as a celebration of what my body can do for me.  

 

But only now I know how to take breaks and don’t punish myself for enjoying life.  

 

I am no longer shackled by my own body. In fact, I am now friends with the girl in the mirror.  

 

After all, she is my home.  

 

The journey hasn’t been easy.  

 

I carried the weight of shame all my life. It was the only life I knew.  

 

But today and everyday, I wake up and choose kindness. I choose compassion.  

 

I choose my happiness over my body.  

 

I am a work in progress.  

 

I wear clothes that show skin and own it. I am not afraid to eat a meal outside. I celebrate my body the way it is and am now on a mission to empower people like me.  

 

People who are not friends with the mirror. 

If you or someone you know needs help to deal with eating disorders or body image issues, consider reaching out to our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals for affordable and inclusive assistance!     

  

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