“Looks don’t matter.”  

A statement I have often heard and made but have been suspicious of its validity for the past few years.  

As a woman, I see that even when our bodies change, we still have some opinions about it – no matter what the changes are.  

If looks didn’t matter,  

Why do we shame people for their bodies?  

Why do we celebrate certain bodies?  

Why do we have beauty contests?  

While I raise these questions, I am not saying that looks must matter, neither am I justifying the importance of looks. Instead, I seek to understand and communicate the differences between our words and actions.  

I believe that a world where looks won’t matter is either yet to be achieved or is a dream too distant. We can be surrounded by individuals for whom looks don’t matter. But that’s not a social reality. These individuals would have done their fair share of hard work to reach a state that isn’t mainstream, but they are not the mainstream.  

Time and again, we come across this statement in different settings. Sometimes, we make this statement, and sometimes we hear them. The context for the statement can differ wildly. But one thing has remained constant – Looks have mattered and bothered people.  

Even when we look at this theme historically, we see that people were known for their looks; looks made the first impressions on people. Women were primarily known for their appearance and continue to be known for it. Historical, contemporary, and modern literature is filled with poems, tales, and stories about looks. Historically, we see women being limited to their bodily appearances. We hear statements about them such as –  

“Oh god, yes! She is so pretty!”  

“She isn’t pretty, but she is powerful.”  

Even when we cherish people for their power and dignity, we feel the need to mention their appearances either as an addition to what they are or as a lack in their identity. This lack might not be as strong as their achievements, but we still consider them lacking, creating a cycle of humans feeling they aren’t enough.  

Coming back to our classic statement, I wonder if looks genuinely don’t matter to people because my experiences constantly remind me of looks’ importance. I see people doubting themselves because they don’t feel confident enough about their appearance. I see people making efforts to be presentable to others. I see people desiring good-looking people. I see discrimination based on looks. And I see all of this in people who, at some moment, have said that looks don’t matter to them. Maybe they are true to themselves. Maybe looks don’t matter to them, but perhaps this is the case when it’s about others. Given our culture, I see people being kind enough to accept people and partners for reasons beyond good looks. But I don’t see the same kindness towards the self.  

I think “Looks don’t matter” appears morally attractive to people, so they try to believe and practice so. But in the process, we become a little distant from the real world, where the love for others doesn’t match the love for self. People who were discriminated against for their looks and are in the process of healing try to make extra efforts to practice the ‘looks genuinely don’t matter’ approach. But they experience persistent pain because looks matter to the world outside them. The world doesn’t let us forget that looks actually matter. They don’t receive the same love they offer, leading to self-doubt, frustration, and anger issues – things they were never responsible for.  

So, what’s the solution? Do we get overboard in trying to look good enough or make others look good enough? Umm, probably not going to work because we have been doing this for a long time. We see that even the most good-looking people aren’t the happiest. And, of course, what’s good looks anyways? It’s different for different people. The idea of beauty and handsome has changed significantly with time and place. Maybe what can work is acceptance - acceptance of ourselves and others around us (and of the fact that looks socially matter). This can help us make healthy social relationships, which are a prerequisite for a happy life!  

*I juggle with these thoughts often, and thank you for being a part of it today : D  

This post represents the author’s personal views and experiences. iDare doesn’t endorse or take responsibility for the opinions expressed. 

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