At what point does prioritising yourself become ‘selfish’? 

Is it when you decline an invitation? 

When do you stop overextending? 

When do you ask for space in a relationship? 

 

Not every act of self-prioritisation is selfish, but many of us were taught to believe it. We learned early on that being ‘good’ meant being accommodating. When we begin to centre ourselves, even in small ways, we feel morally wrong.  

Selfishness and self-centredness are often used interchangeably. However, are they the same thing? 

Selfishness is typically understood as prioritising one’s own needs or desires at the expense of others, with limited regard for their well-being (Baumeister & Bushman, 2017). It involves disregard, entitlement, or a consistent lack of empathy. 

 

Self-centredness, however, is different. It refers to being grounded in one’s own internal experience and being aware of one’s own needs, limits, emotions and values. In fact, psychological models of self-differentiation describe emotional maturity as the ability to stay connected to oneself while remaining in a relationship with others (Bowen, 1978). That is not selfishness. That is stability. 

The confusion often begins early. How good meant being accommodating, love meant availability, and self-sacrifice signalled care. When we begin to prioritise our own needs, even in balanced ways, it can feel like a violation of some moral code.  

 

Prioritising yourself is not the same as disregarding others.  

When someone is selfish, they override other people’s needs without reflection. When someone is healthily self-centred, they consider both their own needs and the impact on the relationship. The difference lies in awareness and mutuality.  

Research on assertiveness supports this distinction. Assertive behaviour involves expressing one’s needs and boundaries while still respecting others (Alberti & Emmons, 2017). It is associated with healthier relationships and lower levels of resentment and burnout. In contrast, chronic self-silencing, consistently suppressing one’s needs to maintain harmony, has been linked to increased psychological distress (Jack & Dill, 1992).  

 

Yet, when we begin to change old relational patterns, guilt often surfaces. That guilt does not necessarily mean we are doing something wrong. Often, it's just about doing something unfamiliar.  

If you have been the accommodating one, the reliable one, the one who adjusts, shifting that identity can feel destabilising. You may wonder who you are if you are not constantly available. You may fear being perceived differently. You may question whether your needs are ‘valid enough’. 

 

Subsequently, any healthy relationship requires two regulated, self-aware individuals and not one person disappearing so the other can remain comfortable.  

Being self-centred, in its healthy form, means being anchored. It means knowing when you are stretched too thin, recognising resentment before it builds and saying no without hostility and yes without self-betrayal.  

In many ways, it is a marker of emotional maturity. 

 

Not everyone who prioritises themselves is selfish. Sometimes they are simply learning to stand in the centre of their lives, not above others, not against others, but not beneath them either.  

Reclaiming self-centredness is not about becoming unkind or rigid. It is about creating sustainable relationships. Where giving is chosen, not extracted. Where boundaries are communicated, not punished.  

If you are navigating the tension between caring for others and caring for yourself, iDare can offer a space to untangle that difference without shame or labels.  

References  

Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th ed.). New Harbinger Publications. 

Baumeister, R. F., & Bushman, B. J. (2017). Social psychology and human nature (4th ed.). Cengage Learning. 

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson. 

Jack, D. C., & Dill, D. (1992). The silencing the self scale: Schemas of intimacy associated with depression in women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 16(1), 97–106. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1992.tb00242.x 

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