I lived in a dreamland,
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
Letting the angst consume me,
Yearning for your smallest acknowledgement of me.
I built my fantasy castle around you,
Your dreams,
Your aspirations;
But you never saw me.

Or maybe you did,
You did see me.
I know you did.
I was your blanket in the rain,
The person you'd run to when you were bored or in pain.
I was the softness you fell back to,
just to use me as your favourite soft toy.
That's all I was to you.
And I let you. I let you use me.

because I hoped that one day you would see me as more..
that one day you would see me as human...
a girl (back then) so in love with you,
so in love that she let go of everything in between, just to sit beside you..
I realised it late.

Much later than I anticipated.
Much later than I wish I had.
I cried with you,
let you keep me up when you grieved the loss of your niece.
let you try something new with me, despite my discomfort,
Now, an experience, I wish I hadn't let you have..
Your words were sweet,
hollow, but sweet.
hollow enough for me to know you never really cared.
hollow enough to feel the heaviness in my chest weighing me down.
but the fantasy died, like it always does..
And when it did, I chose myself.

I chose the me that chose you.
I chose the peace after losing you.
I may not be living the high I felt when you and I were a fantasy,
I may not feel it again any time soon.
But I know I will never drown in the feeling of never knowing,
and I know you will never reach me to suffocate me with the weight of your narcissism.
I laugh now, for reasons that do not concern you.
I let sleep take over, as the night whispers a lullaby.

I let myself enjoy the rain, especially when the sun sets beyond the horizon,
Between the cityscapes.
I began writing again,
Began experiencing things beyond what you limited me to.
I began to feel human, feeling the hurt, the joy, and the peace between the lines.

I burnt that castle. I burnt it to the ground the night you asked me to help you after you left me
lying awake in the darkness for months, and that was the best thing I ever did in the four years
You led me to the grounds of the fantasy of us.

Image credits: pexels