This story is about how I could never experience my father's love. However, I was always my mother's favorite daughter. She had only one child (me), so no choice well! 

I witnessed many changes in my life as I grew. I heard my birth stories of how mom always wanted a healthy baby, but my father wanted a boy.  

While my father stayed in our native place looking after the coffee plantation, I saw mom struggling for years working in a factory to ensure I went to school. Working in the factory, made mom sick. As a result, my father then shifted to stay with us and work from Bangalore. Even when he was staying with us, he did not grow any love for me. Things couldn't improve between him and me. He would not be interested in talking to me. But my mom, she forever had my back! She gave me both mother and father's love.  

However, my mom suddenly left me when I was 18 years old; she passed away due to low blood pressure. I still remember it was the month of September. I was told a lie that my mom is being shifted from Bangalore hospital to Manipal in Mangalore for further treatment. She passed away by 09:15 in the night. By the following day, somehow, I knew that I would never be able to talk to her again. The rituals and other associated things were finished. By the end of the day, I had a high fever. The fever persisted for around three days. The doctor had no hope for me. But I, being a badass, still strived to live.  

I expected that the relationship between my father and me would change and get better, at least now. But it did not happen so. I was still trying to understand the things around me, what happened to me and my mom. Before I could get over it, I heard my family members discuss a community ritual. This ritual was about getting me married. As per the ritual, if a family member passes away, the family should arrange for a marriage of a daughter/ son or any other function. I saw my father making an opportunity out of the ritual. He wanted to get me married and send me away. So, even without my knowledge or consent, he called up my college and informed them that I would not continue my education.   

Later, he began forcing me to marry. But somehow, I managed to fight back. I told him that I wanted to continue my studies. As I was outspoken on continuing my studies, my father, with lots of disappointment, gave up on the thought of my marriage. However, he had another plan - his marriage.  

With time, it felt like he kept manipulating all of us, saying how he cannot handle household chores, cannot cook, and other things. After about three months of manipulation, he managed to find a woman to get married to. He arranged for his marriage very expensively. I was ordered to adjust with the new woman as she has left her family and is in a new family.   

Things changed entirely for me after my father's second marriage. I felt like including my father, all my family members' behavior also changed towards me. It had to; I had a stepmother in the house. To cope with this, I got a job for myself. But things kept getting worse at home between me, my father, and the family.  

With a lot happening around me, I slowly started driving towards depression. A feeling began to develop inside myself, telling me, "No one to talk to me." To deal with this, I left my father's place and went back to my mom's place where my maternal grandmother lived. Here, I tried to distance myself from my father and figure out life for myself. I wanted to get out of what I was going through. Simultaneously, I was also trying to talk to my father about what was happening. I wondered why he could not understand his daughter.  

There were frequent discussions and many arguments. It made me realize that no one is willing to care about my mental state or health here. Everything broke my mental stability to the most critical. The realization brought my life back on track. I left home. I informed my father, who was least bothered about me leaving home and trying to figure out life all by myself. Instead, I would say he was happier moving apart. I moved back to Bangalore, found a job in a month, and started looking back on life. I tried filling in some motivation and joy in what I had and what I did. My life situations taught me how to handle things, understand the sensitivity of problems, and manage them best. Life moved on then. I changed a few jobs while hanging around to figure out daily chores. Amidst all of this, I was still hoping that my father would tell me one day that he needed his daughter back in life. 

So, life gave me many phases to go through - Mom, Father, Stepmother, Family, Depression, Job, etc. But today, when I look back at things, I feel happy that I made my life better. Being a kid who grew up in a loving and sensitive family environment made a big difference to me. In the end, I just want to tell you what I learned in life to make it better - life is beautiful by the way it is. Keep it simple with loads of love and joy. Look at life with lots of sensitivity no matter what it gives you.   

 

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