This is the story of my life; a life lived with constant conflict between my mind and my body. It was in 8th grade when I first figured out something was wrong with me and started keeping it a secret from myself.  

 

As the years passed during my college, it became very evident to me, and I was frightened, terrified, and scared about what was gonna happen if my friends and family found out. I wanted to do something to stop it before it becomes obvious to others.  

 

Despite all my best efforts to suppress the feminine energy in me, it didn't work. It's when I know I can't fight this, and I have no other option but to embrace my femininity. Just because I accepted it didn't mean I was ready to share it with anyone.  

 

This phase was all about admitting what I really like and experiencing it in my own company, with absolute caution. I don't wanna do anything that might even raise a slight doubt in my surroundings.  

 

Basically, I was juggling between the two genders, with no soul to share about the hardships I face mentally. It was hard, like so hard to hide anymore, even if I think I should share with my close friends, I wonder about how my problem is associated with very bad bullying practices among the boys. I step back and erase that thought from my mind.  

 

While I believe certain accidents are for good, I happened to jump into my cousin's sister while I was dressed up! Yeah, that moment was so awkward. She just left without uttering a word. I was dead scared imagining what-if scenarios. A couple of days later, she texted me, and I elaborated on my side.  

 

After that, she slowly started to understand, became my first ally, and changed my perspective about people. I started to trust that not everyone is the same. It felt liberating to talk to her without pretending to be a boy. The femininity that I had thought of as a burden started to feel less heavy.  

 

This is the phase when I started trying to love myself. I left my town and moved to a big, beautiful city, where I rented a home. The place where I was unapologetically myself. Decorated it colourfully, had a personal vanity table with all the cosmetics I need, so many sweet, fruity, floral perfumes, and a wardrobe full of beautiful dresses.

I felt like a queen (ps. I am still closeted). This city introduced me to many wonderful, kind-hearted people, to whom I made pretty friendship bracelets.  After gaining the confidence and courage, I put on my heels and stepped out to explore this beautiful city as my real self. I was out, breathing the free air! I went to the parks, the Temple, Restaurants, and the planetarium.  

 

Lol, I still had my face mask on, and my heartbeat raced when someone tried to talk to me. I was enjoying my own company. I deep down know that this is just a phase and it's not a permanent liberation. 

 

We all face situations that make it difficult for us to make some decisions. In my case, I decided not to come out in public because I am emotionally weak and I really can't handle big situations like coming out.  

 

I am accepting the fate as it is. Getting back to normal life, back to my town, is gonna be hard, but it's okay, that's how I was born, and pretending is not something new to me; I have done it all my life. To my fellow closeted friends, I want you to know you can face this. Never give up your hopes! Yes, it's hard, but you are tougher, honey! The world is better with you in it.  

 

I am so glad that I can finally share my story with the world.  
 

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