Why Boundaries Are So Hard (And So Necessary)

Exploring childhood conditioning, the “good person” myth, and reclaiming our right to say no.

Our last segment on loneliness struck a deep chord — and we’re grateful. At iDare, we often hear from users about emotional challenges that don’t always have obvious solutions, which is why we’re back this week with a theme just as important, if not more: boundaries.

Why boundaries?

Because, in our work across the Support and Engage verticals, we’ve found that issues related to poor or non-existent boundaries show up almost daily — and often go unrecognized. Especially in South-Asian communities like ours, where life is deeply interwoven with guilt, obligation, and the desire to be ‘good’.

The Need to Be “Good” — But Who Decides What That Means?

In our culture, there’s a strong pull toward external approval — from parents, relatives, friends, bosses, spouses, and yes, sometimes even strangers (no exaggeration). The question arises:
Isn’t it good to want to be good?

Of course it is — but only if you define what being good means for you. Because if you ask five people, you’ll likely get five different answers. “Goodness” is a social construct, and like all constructs, it's shaped by religion, family dynamics, cultural values, and even geography.

There’s a difference between moral goodness (not lying, not stealing, being kind) and performative goodness — the kind that demands emotional suppression, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment just to avoid judgment or rejection.

Where It All Begins: Childhood & The Conditioning to Please

Let’s take a closer look at how this conditioning begins. Picture a scene you’ve probably witnessed:

A parent says, “Don’t cry, be a good baby.”

Sounds normal, right? But from the perspective of a child — who doesn’t yet know what “good” or “bad” means — the message received may be:
Crying makes me a bad baby.

That’s dangerous, because crying is a natural form of communication — especially for babies and young children. But if the child begins to associate emotional expression with badness, they may begin to suppress those emotions altogether. This is where the disconnect begins.

And it doesn’t stop there. Here are a few other common statements:

“Daddy’s busy. Be a good child and don’t disturb him.”
“Only bad kids run around. Look at that good child sitting quietly.”
“Don’t cry like a bad baby.”
“Be good and listen to mommy. Don’t make a fuss.”

These phrases are so normalized that we don’t think twice. But a child, with their still-developing brain and emotional capacity, hears something else entirely:

“Your needs, instincts, and feelings are a problem.”
“Suppress yourself, and you’ll be loved.”

The Hidden Consequences: Emotional Repression & Blurred Boundaries

What happens when a child is taught to equate obedience with goodness and disobedience with rejection?

They learn that being liked, safe, and loved requires not listening to themselves. This can result in:

Fear of saying no
Inability to recognize discomfort or danger
Chronic guilt when asserting needs
People-pleasing in adulthood
Difficulty setting or respecting boundaries

In extreme cases, this conditioning lays the foundation for unsafe experiences. For instance, when a child feels uncomfortable around an adult but is told to “go say hi to uncle” or “sit on his lap like a good child”, the child ignores their instincts. This is how they begin to believe:

“My discomfort doesn’t matter — what matters is being seen as good.”

And just like that, the child loses their inner compass — the very tool that’s supposed to keep them safe.

The “Good or Bad” Binary — And Why It’s a Lie

We often talk about people as if they’re either entirely good or entirely bad. But humans are complex. No one fits into a single category.

Yet this binary is embedded early in our psyche — we’re either obedient (good) or defiant (bad). This leaves no room for:

Nuance
Boundaries
Emotional needs
Safe disobedience

Children are constantly expected to comply. When they don't, they’re shamed or guilted. Over time, they carry these patterns into adulthood — where the ability to say no still feels unsafe.

So, What Can We Do About It?

We’re not here to villainize parents. Most parents are doing their best with the tools they have. And many also teach valuable lessons like honesty, kindness, and integrity.

But what’s important is this:

We must start examining the messages we’ve absorbed about what it means to be a “good” person — and how those messages may be harming us.

It’s not too late to unlearn, reflect, and redefine.
And setting boundaries is a crucial part of that healing process.

To Be Continued...

This is just the beginning. In our next segment, we’ll dive deeper into:

What healthy boundaries actually look like
How to recognize if yours have been compromised
Why setting them can feel so terrifying — and how to do it anyway

If you or someone you know is struggling with boundaries or emotional overwhelm, reach out.
Our Support and Engage teams offer affordable, inclusive, and safe therapeutic spaces to help you reconnect with yourself.

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