Unlearning Guilt: Choosing Yourself in a Collectivist Culture
Have you made a decision for yourself and immediately felt that tight knot of guilt in your stomach?
Maybe you turned down a family request, set a boundary, or chose a career path that wasn't the 'safe choice'. Maybe you moved out, said no to marriage, or put your own mental health first.
And even though you know you're not doing anything wrong, the guilt lingers.
This isn't just personal. It's cultural.
In collectivist societies like India, guilt is woven into how we make decisions, how we navigate relationships, and even how we see ourselves. We're taught that personal choices don't just belong to us - they impact our families, our communities, and the people around us.
So how do you unlearn guilt when it feels like it's been handed down for generations?
First, what is a collectivist culture?
A collectivist culture is one where the needs of the group - family, community, society - are prioritised over the individual.
Growing up in a collectivist culture means you're raised to think in we, not me. Decisions aren't just about what you want; they're about what's best for the family, the community, the people around you.
And there's a beauty in this. It creates deep bonds, a sense of belonging, and a culture of support. You know that no matter what happens, you have a support system to fall back on.
But it also comes with unspoken rules - about duty, sacrifice, and what it means to be a 'good' son, daughter, or partner.
And when you try to step outside those rules, guilt shows up like an old friend, whispering that you're selfish, ungrateful, or letting people down.
Why guilt hits hard in collectivist cultures
In many Western cultures, there's a strong focus on individual happiness and personal ambition. People are encouraged to put themselves first, chase their dreams, and prioritise self-fulfillment.
But in collectivist cultures, happiness isn't just personal. It's shared.
You don't just succeed for yourself, you succeed for your family. You don't just choose a career, you choose one that secures your family's future. You don't just get married for love, you get married to honour tradition.
Which is why guilt sneaks in whenever you choose differently. It sounds like:
How can I leave home when my parents need me? What if my choice disappoints them? I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't want this life.
This guilt here is about identity - about who you're expected to be versus who you actually are.
The gendered weight of guilt
And if you're a woman or part of the queer community in a collectivist culture, this guilt hits even harder.
For women, the message is clear: Your worth is tied to how much you give.
A good daughter sacrifices her dreams for her family. A good wife prioritises her husband's needs over her own. A good mother is endlessly selfless, no matter how much it drains her.
Women are expected to make sacrifices without asking for anything in return.
And for queer folks, the guilt is layered.
The pressure to conform, to be who your family expects you to be, is overwhelming. The fear of disappointing the people you love most is real. The guilt of not living up to societal expectations can feel crushing.
This is why unlearning guilt isn't more than personal healing, it's about breaking generational cycles and redefining what it means to be a "good" person.
But how can you choose yourself without losing your culture?
The goal isn't to reject your roots. It's to find a balance where you can honour both your culture and yourself.
- Recognise that guilt doesn't always mean you're doing something wrong
Guilt can feel like proof that you've made a mistake. But sometimes, guilt is just a conditioned response to breaking a pattern.
Ask yourself:
Is this guilt coming from my own beliefs, or from what I was raised to believe? If my friend made this same choice, would I judge them? Would I feel guilty if I grew up in a different culture?
Just because guilt shows up doesn't mean it's right. Sometimes, it's just an old program running in the background.
- Differentiate between guilt and responsibility
You are not responsible for making everyone happy. You are not responsible for upholding every tradition at the cost of your well-being. You are responsible for being kind, considerate, and making choices that align with your truth.
Guilt tells you that choosing yourself is selfish. True responsibility means showing up in ways that don't require self-betrayal.
- Set boundaries without shame
Boundaries are hard in collectivist cultures because they go against the idea that we owe our time and energy to others. But boundaries are a way to keep relationships healthy.
Instead of:
I'm such a bad child for not wanting to take over the family business. Try: I respect my family's wishes, but my career path is my choice.
Instead of:
I have to say yes, or they'll think I don't care. Try: Saying no doesn't mean I don't love them. It means I love myself too.
- Reframe choosing yourself as an act of courage
Choosing your own path doesn't mean you're abandoning your culture - it means you're evolving it.
Think about past generations.
The first woman in your family to get an education. The first person who married for love. The first person who moved to another city for a better life.
Every act of self-determination once seemed radical. Now, it's normal.
You choosing differently might feel like rebellion today - but tomorrow, it could be the reason someone else believes they can too.
Guilt will show up. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
You can care for your loved ones without sacrificing your joy. You can honour tradition while creating your own path. You can choose yourself and still be a good person.
Guilt might tell you otherwise. But you don't have to listen.
If you or somebody you know wants to understand more about managing guilt and drawing boundaries, consider reaching our ‘Support' and ‘Engage' verticals for affordable and inclusive help!
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