Understanding Anxious Attachment: Moving Towards Healthier Relationships

Have you ever experienced feeling super anxious or agitated when a partner doesn't reply to your texts immediately or constantly needed reassurance from people around you? Have you ever felt like your entire day or mood depends on how your partner/family behaves? Have you felt the need to suppress your emotions and needs for a long time and then burst out at one point? You, my friend, may be anxiously attached.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Attachment styles mean to show our framework of interpersonal relationships, it is how we behave in relationships, from where our desires for intimacy and sensitivity to potential threats arise. There are 4 attachment styles, Secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized and today we are talking about anxious attachment. A lot of times we tend to confuse attachment with love, it isn't! Attachment is unconscious and usually based on what serves our needs while love is a deliberate choice, mutual and needs work.

My Personal Journey with Anxious Attachment

I have personally had anxious attachment all my life and only recently, have started moving towards the secure spectrum with a great deal of therapy. My anxious attachment showed up in my relationships as needing to be the only one special in my partner's life, constantly needing reassurance and validation, not feeling capable of having healthy space with my partner, obsessing over immediate replies, at times also stalking their social media (it's not healthy you know), overanalyzing all of their texts and our conversations etc. A note: all these behaviors only cause further anxiety. If you have been able to recognize similar patterns in yourself, I want to tell you, I understand and it is often not a conscious choice we make. That being said, if you'd like to do something about it, you know, to have a healthier relationship, your goal is to move towards secure attachment. How do we do that?

Moving Towards Secure Attachment

• Communicating your needs and wishes openly and gently
• Being able to see another person's perspective
• Reflecting on your behaviors & expectations objectively
• Trusting yourself and others while you are at it
• Developing self-esteem
• Feeling worthy of love and respect
• Establishing and maintaining boundaries

Practical Guide for Interpersonal Relationships

Now, all of this is easier said than done. Let me give you a guide of how this can work in interpersonal relationships

1. Making requests instead of complaints
2. Being honest and open about your needs
3. Not being constantly available but aiming for consistency
4. Respecting the other person's personal space (especially during arguments)
5. Asking for collaboration to make any changes or reach a middle ground
6. Focusing on YOUR communication and not anyone else's
7. Refrain from shaming the other person or their choices
8. Understanding their way of expressing emotions or love & appreciating it
9. Focusing on self-care and self-soothing (Can also have hobbies)
10. Get comfortable spending time with yourself (No, I do not mean staring at screens)

And of course, I understand this is just to start with and may not give you all of the necessary information, but that's what therapists are for. If you find it difficult to move through this on your own, you can always seek professional help. If you or somebody you know is struggling with something difficult and needs to get in touch with a therapist, consider reaching our Support and Engage verticals for affordable and inclusive help!
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