The Importance of Boundaries
A lot of us do not realise the importance of boundaries. It is often seen in our practice how most clients come in without being aware of the concept of boundaries. It is just a label given to something that we do or rather should do on an everyday basis in all of our relationships.
Understanding Our Own Thresholds
We have gone through this lengthy article understanding so many different sources of boundaries and how it tends to disrupt our lives but the very basic of it is just being able to understand our own thresholds. Healthy boundaries are very much an integral part of every relationship in our lives and when we fail to establish our boundaries we often allow other people to take advantage of this and carry resentment way into the relationship. To understand our own boundaries, we need to first understand our own expectations fully without shying away from them. When we are able to accept that our expectations need to be met (realistic ones), we become way more aware of when and how to draw boundary that would keep us safe.
Enforcing Boundaries with Feedback and Consequences
When a boundary is crossed, it is important to speak up about it as it would be worthless if we did not enforce it with feedback and consequences. To explain this with a simple example, if a neighbour broke my flower pot, i could either let it go or establish a boundary on how this is not okay. If i choose to not speak up about this the very first time to happens, then there is a possibility that it could repeat and also a possibility that my emotions on the matter may not have been dealt with. So if this happens the next time the anger i would feel would be piled up from the previous instances as well. Similarly in an intimate relationship the very first time my partner says something hurtful, while the issue can be addressed in an empathetic and understanding way it is also necessary to draw a boundary on how i wish to be spoken to. Understanding the source of a behaviour doesn't imply that the behaviour in itself is justified. A lot of instances i see on an everyday basis that we as a collective do not recognise where our boundaries lie.
How to Identify and Communicate Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries do not come naturally to a lot of us but it can be learnt. Boundaries are how we establish expectations and communicate on how we want you be treated. Like mentioned earlier, we need to be able to have clarity about where and what is the boundary that needs to be set. Do you need your partner to be more consistent in their communication with you? Do you need a parent to stop guilt tripping you? Do you need to let a friend know that you do not feel like doing whatever they ask you to? Do you wish to not take up extra work from a colleague? Do you need a partner to commit when they may not want to?
Everyday Boundaries and Internal Resistance
Do you see how all of these are everyday experiences, and yet we put up with a lot of them even though we may know it is affecting us. If it isn’t clear already, these are the expectations and they need to be communicated. We may come up with a lot of reasons internally as to why we should not speak up about it and the most commonly seen reason is not wanting to lose the other person or to not be seen as a bad person ourselves. This in itself doesn't do anything to meet our expectations rather, we push ourselves down the path of self-abandonment and a risk of losing ourselves. Now a boundary in most of these circumstances could mean either respect for our boundaries and a healthy relationship or may end up turning the relationship sour but it is quintessential for our own well-being. A hazy boundary is not effective so is a boundary without consequences.
Boundaries Are Not Rude — They’re Necessary
A lot of people believe setting boundaries are rude and may hurt the other person but what we do not stop to think is how we are mostly at a loss when we fail to draw them. Hazy or vague boundaries don’t do anybody justice as it may make things unclear and confusing. The best approach is to be as kind and as direct as you can and it need not come with an apology or a justification.
Building the Skill of Boundary-Setting
Setting boundaries need us to be calm and stable minded. It is always easier to start small and get more firm with time. Setting clear expectations of the boundaries from the very beginning of any relationship can set the base. Smaller boundaries are always easy to manage like saying no to something you do not like eating but when they pertain to serious issues or especially in relationships, it becomes tough to draw them and tougher to maintain. It is not ideal to wait if someone has disrespected a boundary multiple times.
Respecting Others’ Boundaries and Being True to Ourselves
Setting a boundary is not personal to the opposite person and it does not require us to take responsibility when the other person perceives it that way. Everyone of us is entitled to say what we can and cannot tolerate and either the opposite person can respect it or can remove themselves from the situation and the same goes for us when someone around us sets a boundary with us. Boundaries can also bring a lot of discomfort, guilt, and a feeling of disappointment. But it is what keeps our relationships healthy in the long run.
Tune Into Yourself
And the final thing I wish to say is also the first step for us to do, slow down and tune into ourselves. Pay attention to what we are feeling. If something feels wrong, speak up about it, do not hesitate to draw a boundary and change it.
If you or someone you know needs help to learn more about how to draw healthy boundaries, consider reaching out to our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals for affordable and inclusive assistance!
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