How Do We Build a Connection With Ourselves?

Part 4 of the Loneliness Series

In the previous parts of this series, we spoke about understanding loneliness, its roots, and how healing begins. In this final part, we arrive at a critical question:
How exactly do we build a connection with ourselves?

Like I mentioned earlier, bubble baths and sheet masks are lovely, but true self-connection goes beyond surface-level self-care. It starts with exploring and understanding ourselves at a deeper level.

Why the “One Ideal Relationship” Can’t Save Us

One of the biggest misconceptions is the belief that the love of a romantic partner—or even a dear friend—will heal us entirely. That once we find the one, everything will finally feel whole.

This belief creates unrealistic expectations. It leads us to project our unmet needs onto existing relationships or fantasies about future ones. And most people—no matter how loving—can’t live up to those projections. The result? More disappointment, more dissatisfaction, and yes—even deeper loneliness.

We begin to expect one perfect person or relationship to:

Heal all our wounds
Fill all our emotional gaps
Solve our entire emotional history

But when we do fall in love, we must ask ourselves:
Do we love the person for who they really are?
Or are we just in love with what we want them to be?

Healing Starts With Us

Yes, other people can help mend our hearts, but we have to do the heavy lifting. We must learn how to love ourselves first.

While discussing this with a colleague recently, I realised how common this is—not just among clients, but also among friends, coworkers, and sometimes even myself.
Knowing what’s wrong isn’t the same as healing it.
Reading the books, attending therapy, and understanding patterns—these are only the beginning. The actual connection with ourselves is built over time.

Insight Is Not the Same as Integration

I once had a client who kept returning to therapy with the same core issues, though wrapped in different stories. They understood what we discussed deeply, and on paper, it seemed like they “got it.” But progress wasn’t happening.

It took me a while to remember—insight isn’t transformation. Knowing is not the same as believing.

What we truly need to foster is the internal belief that:
“I am enough.”

It’s simple, but far from easy. This belief doesn't emerge overnight. It takes years of practice, just like the habits and patterns we’re trying to change took years to form.

Conscious Effort and Consistent Practice

While healing, what matters most is:

Being conscious of our thoughts and behaviours
Letting go of perfection as the goal
Embracing slow, steady progress
Choosing ourselves daily, even when it’s difficult

It’s about sitting with ourselves in silence, in peace, in discomfort—and not abandoning who we are just to feel wanted.

Start small. You don’t need grand rituals. It can be:

Spending a set amount of time with yourself each week
Engaging in a hobby you enjoy purely for yourself
Talking kindly to yourself
Saying “I love you” in the mirror
Reminding yourself: I’m always here for me

What Happens When We Believe Ourselves?

Once we start believing the words we say to ourselves, something shifts.
The goal isn’t to never need anyone again. That’s unrealistic and unhealthy.

The goal is to ensure that when we do connect with others, we do it not from fear, desperation, or emptiness—but from a place of wholeness and choice.

We’re not seeking someone to complete us. We’re simply open to sharing our already-full lives.

Accepting the Inevitable Loneliness

One of the most overlooked yet powerful parts of healing is this:
Accept that some amount of loneliness is natural.

No one is fully connected all the time—not even with themselves.
There will be moments of disconnect, of silence, of solitude that feels heavy. And that’s okay.

Instead of trying to escape these moments, we can learn to sit with them, and through that:

Cultivate creativity
Deepen self-reflection
Develop mindful presence
Practice self-compassion

In Closing: A Personal Note

This article has been written on a subject incredibly close to my heart. Dividing it into parts was my way of doing justice to something so layered, nuanced, and often deeply personal.

Throughout these pieces, I’ve shared not just professional observations, but parts of my own journey and stories from my practice.
This article cannot replace the full journey of healing. It’s just a start, a gentle nudge toward self-awareness and self-reclamation.

If you’ve been feeling the weight of loneliness, I sincerely hope this series can serve as the beginning of a fulfilling path toward healing, growth, and finding your true self.

Need Support?

If you or someone you know is navigating loneliness,
please consider reaching out to our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals.
We offer affordable and inclusive mental health assistance.

Like our content? Please support us by sharing and up-voting.

Image Credits: Pexels.com