Boundaries: Healing Beyond Awareness

If you have noticed a pattern in these articles, especially ones that we write in multiple segments, the first two usually talk about where the issue comes from—and this is a conscious choice since it is imperative to understand where our issues originate from.

A lot of people have asked me, “How is this going to change what I’m going through?” and that is a very valid question.

Why Understanding the Source Matters

Let me take an example to explain this.

If you were to play a game and the level of this game was set at “Hard” and you were playing under the impression that this was an easy level, then it is quite natural to constantly wonder why you are struggling or finding it difficult when it seems easy to everyone else.
This can create a lot of internal stress and pressure—we start to question if we are the ones who cannot play, if we are bad at it, if we don’t deserve to win, and so on.

The whole point of delving into the past in any behavioral issue is not just to understand it in full context, but to also recognize that these issues are the reason we struggle.
Knowing this may not ease the struggle, but it starts to make sense. We can reduce being hard on ourselves and give ourselves the grace and kindness we deserve because we have experienced something hard, which has left its effects on us.

Healing from Deep-Rooted Patterns

It is always important to understand the source of certain thought processes and behaviors—and equally important to start working on them from the root, not just the surface.

If someone says:

“My partner is always absent, I constantly feel alone, and I don’t feel loved,”
Then it wouldn’t make sense to only work on the loneliness. We also have to look at the partner being absent, and our reaction to that absence.

Otherwise, efforts will bring only temporary relief—and long-term change will remain out of reach.

When Rational Awareness Isn’t Enough

In this part of the series on boundaries, let’s talk about healing from traits we may have unknowingly picked up.

We ended the previous segment discussing how rational awareness doesn’t always translate into action. That’s because knowing something in our mind is very different from feeling it in our body.

Let’s say you're stressed about an exam. If I told you, “The outcome isn’t in your hands anyway, just write what you know and let it go,”—would that really calm you down?

Maybe for a moment. But the worry remains until the results are out, because the core emotion has not been addressed.

From Head to Body: What Healing Requires

We must shift focus from thoughts to emotions—from head to body.

I often say: “Get out of your head and into your body.”
Why? Because your nervous system does not understand logic. You can keep repeating “Stay calm,” but unless the nervous system feels calm, it won’t work.

So how do we create safety in the body?

Starting Small, Staying Kind

We start slow. We start gentle.

Many of my clients become agitated when asked to draw boundaries. Part of it is because:

They’ve never done it before
It feels unsafe
They feel guilt or self-judgment when they fail to do it

And that’s okay.

A trait acquired over 15, 20, or 30 years won’t change in a week. It’s a process—one that’s constant, often slow, and always evolving.

Healing Isn’t Linear—And That’s Okay

When I started therapy, I thought I’d fix everything, heal completely, and “win” at therapy. But I was in for a surprise.
Session after session, deeper layers emerged—some that I didn’t even know were issues. Eventually, I got frustrated and quit therapy for a while.

But later, I understood something critical:
Change is the only constant.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago, and that’s growth. Not in huge, flashy ways, but in consistent, meaningful ways that make everyday life better.

Be There for Your Nervous System

When someone you care about gets into an accident, your first instinct isn’t to blame them—it’s to comfort them.

This is the same approach we need with ourselves.

When our nervous system reacts with fear, anxiety, or guilt around boundary-setting, we must first offer care—not criticism.

Speak gently to yourself:

“I understand.”
“It is okay to feel sad, angry, or upset.”
“There is nothing wrong with me.”
“I’m capable of handling this.”
“I’m safe.”
“It’s okay to say no.”
“It’s okay to feel guilty.”
“I love you regardless of everything.”

These affirmations help our body begin to feel safe—and that safety is what leads to healthy boundary-setting.

Learn to Pause Before Saying Yes

If a friend is pressuring you into something uncomfortable, your first instinct might be to say yes.

Instead, practice saying:

“Let me think about that.”
“I’ll get back to you.”
“I need some time.”

Then, calm yourself. Reflect on whether it’s something you genuinely want to do.
If the answer isn’t a definite yes, then it’s likely a no—even if you’re not ready to say it yet.

And even if you’ve already said yes, you can go back and say:

“I know I said I would do it, but I’m really not comfortable with it.”

That’s not wrong—it’s honest.

Guilt Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong

It’s natural to feel guilty when setting boundaries. You may worry others will think you’re rude or selfish.

That’s okay. But those feelings do not mean you have to change your decision.

Here are some reminders:

“Other people’s emotions are not my responsibility.”
“They are capable of taking care of themselves.”
“My comfort and boundaries matter too.”
“I deserve to be heard and respected.”

Will be continued...

If you or someone you know needs help to learn more about how to draw healthy boundaries, consider reaching out to our Support and Engage verticals for affordable and inclusive assistance!  

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