From Isolation to Solitude: Understanding the Journey Within

Part 2 of the Loneliness Series

To talk about how to move toward connection—both with ourselves and others—we first need to understand a crucial difference: isolation vs solitude.

It’s important to spend time with ourselves, care for ourselves, and love ourselves. In the modern world, we often hear this described as “self-love”, sometimes even “self-respect.” But in therapy, we dig deeper into what this really means: self-worth and self-esteem. Call it what you like—what matters is that you work on it. It already exists within you; you only need to explore it.

But for that exploration to begin, we need to learn how to sit with ourselves—and this does not mean journaling, reading, doing skincare, or binge-watching Netflix. While all those are valid and helpful in their own ways, they are not solitude. Solitude begins with sitting in stillness—and often, with first confronting isolation.

Can You Sit With Yourself?

Ask yourself:
How often can you sit completely alone without distraction?

Without ruminating on everything that’s going wrong?
Without spiraling into self-criticism for things outside your control?
Without obsessing over future worries or feeling unloved by others?
Without hoping for someone—anyone—to appear and rescue you from your emotional pain?

If your honest answer is “rarely” or “never,” you’re not alone. Most people struggle with this. Sitting with ourselves without numbing, distracting, or judging is something very few of us were taught how to do.

And here’s the most important question of all:
Do you love yourself?
Yes, it sounds philosophical. But really—have you ever asked yourself this?

What Children Can Teach Us About Self-Worth

Self-worth exists in all of us—we’re born with it. Just look at children:
They demand attention unapologetically. They throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. They speak their minds. They don’t care how they appear to others.

This is not selfishness—it’s innate self-worth.

But this is also where suppression begins. Adults teach children:

“Don’t cry.”
“Be quiet.”
“Stop being selfish.”
“You must think about others first.”

We label kids as “bad” when they express natural feelings or wants. We model fear of judgment and prioritizing appearances over authenticity.

Children quickly absorb this:

“I cannot be myself.”
“I must put others’ needs before mine.”
“It’s selfish to ask for what I need.”
“No one will understand me.”
“I must solve everything on my own.”
“If I want love, I have to abandon myself.”

Sound familiar? It resonates with many of my clients—and it once resonated with me too. The tragedy is how common these beliefs are, yet how deeply hidden we keep them. We wear masks of perfection while feeling torn apart inside, believing we’re the only ones struggling.

Two Common Responses to Loneliness

Once these patterns are in place, we tend to respond in two ways:

1. Hiding Everything

We suppress our feelings, hide our true selves, and never let others see our vulnerability. This fuels the belief:
“No one will ever understand me.”

2. Revealing Everything Too Soon

Others go the opposite route. In their desperation for love, they reveal their deepest wounds instantly to new people—hoping for affection, care, and rescue.
They may emotionally unload on someone they barely know, without checking whether that person is emotionally available or even safe.

When this connection doesn’t go well (and it often doesn’t), it reinforces the belief:
“Even when I show my true self, no one loves me.”
“I am unworthy.”

Both these responses come from the same place: a longing for connection and a lack of self-connection.

Learning to Love Ourselves Is the Real Work

The truth is, most of us were never taught how to love or care for ourselves. We were told to earn love by pleasing others, to repress our needs, to be strong and independent. And while independence can be a strength, emotional isolation is not.

Until we learn to:

Listen to ourselves
Prioritise our needs without guilt
Show ourselves compassion
Believe that we are worthy of love

—we will continue to feel disconnected, even in the presence of others.

And this often leads us into relationships with emotionally unavailable people—people who are also wrestling with their own unmet needs. When we feel neglected by them, we think:

“What am I doing wrong?”
“What more can I do to earn their love?”
“How much more of myself must I give up?”

This cycle is exhausting and heartbreaking—but also deeply human.

A Turning Point

It can feel dejecting to realise all this. But here's the hope:
Change begins when we start choosing ourselves—when we begin to care, nurture, and validate ourselves the way we always hoped someone else would.

This is the work. It’s not glamorous. It’s not instant. But it is the most important work we can ever do.

Will Be Continued...

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