Boundaries, Part 2: Beyond Blame — From Awareness to Healing
When acceptance isn’t enough, what comes next?
As I revisited the first part of this series, I realized we’ve explored quite extensively how boundaries (or the lack thereof) often take root in childhood — as coping mechanisms shaped by our early environments.
But that leads to a very valid question:
Is it fair to blame upbringing for everything?
It’s a tough one. Many people are quick to say things like:
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“Our parents did their best.”
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“They didn’t know better.”
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“We should be grateful for what they did do.”
And honestly? I agree. These statements hold truth — for many, though not all. There are parents who genuinely weren’t meant to be parents, who harmed not out of ignorance but indifference. That’s a separate and difficult conversation.
This isn’t about them.
This part is for those whose parents did care, but still unintentionally contributed to emotional wounding.
Acceptance Doesn’t Equal Healing
In my own therapeutic journey, it was deeply uncomfortable to acknowledge that my parents may have played a role in the challenges I face today. But with time, I understood they genuinely didn’t know better.
They came from their own trauma.
Their goal was to give me the basics they never had — education, security, independence.
And for that, I am grateful.
But here’s the reality:
Good intentions don’t erase real impact.
Their love and sacrifice didn’t prevent the wounds.
And eventually, I had to confront the truth that acknowledging their limitations wasn’t the same as healing mine.
So… What Now?
Once I moved past the blame and accepted their humanity, I found myself stuck in limbo.
I wasn’t angry anymore. But I wasn’t okay either.
This is the crossroads — the Chinese wall between understanding what happened and taking action to heal from it. Many people get stuck here because this is where discernment begins.
Discernment: The Missing Skill We Never Learned
Discernment is the ability to see clearly — to understand what was ours, what was theirs, and what we carry unconsciously.
Without it, we either:
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Stay in blame
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Or swing to self-blame
But discernment asks a different question:
How am I still living out those childhood patterns — and what can I do now?
We all want to believe we’re doing our best, and often we are. But healing demands more than belief — it requires awareness, reflection, and openness to change. That doesn’t mean blaming ourselves for everything. It means looking at the ways we might unknowingly:
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Sabotage relationships
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Attract unhealthy dynamics
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Say yes when we mean no
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Repeat old stories
Our Struggles Speak — Are We Listening?
Struggles often contain hidden messages. Think about when you:
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Keep feeling disrespected in relationships
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Find yourself isolated, despite longing for connection
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Get taken advantage of repeatedly
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Feel like no one ever truly shows up for you
These are signs. Not of your worth — but of a pattern that needs to be examined.
This isn’t about fault. It’s about gently asking:
How might I be unconsciously contributing to my own pain?
And more importantly:
What do I need to unlearn to start showing up for myself differently?
A Nervous System Stuck in the Past
Let’s revisit an example from childhood.
If a child says no and is punished — yelled at, ignored, shamed, or even hit — the child learns:
Saying no = rejection = danger.
To a developing brain, this feels life-threatening, because children depend on their caregivers to survive.
Now fast-forward to adulthood.
This adult knows logically that saying no to a colleague, friend, or partner isn’t dangerous. But their nervous system doesn’t know that.
So when they’re asked to do something uncomfortable, they freeze.
When someone violates their space, they stay silent.
When advised to “just say no,” they can’t — because their body has learned that no is not safe.
This is why healing isn’t about willpower or logic alone. It’s about retraining the body to feel safe in discomfort. It's about giving the nervous system permission to update its settings — from survival mode to self-respect mode.
When Rationality Isn’t Enough
Often, well-meaning people say things like:
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“Just set boundaries.”
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“You don’t have to explain yourself.”
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“Stop letting people walk all over you.”
Those are good suggestions. But for someone still running on old survival wiring, they’re not helpful — they’re triggering. Because the body isn’t ready yet.
Before action, there needs to be awareness.
Before change, there needs to be nervous system safety.
And before that? There needs to be compassion — not just for our parents, but for ourselves.
To Be Continued...
In the next part of this series, we’ll explore how to begin this healing process. Not just through understanding, but by learning tools that help us feel safe, empowered, and worthy of boundaries — even when it feels unnatural.
If you or someone you know is struggling to establish healthy boundaries, our Support and Engage teams are here to help.
We offer affordable, inclusive, and judgment-free guidance designed to meet you wherever you are in your journey.
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