“I’m not trying to offend anyone…” 

There is this invisible pressure to soften language before expressing pain. To make sure men feel emotionally safe before women are even allowed to fully describe why they themselves often do not feel safe. 
 
Ironically, this pressure affects even healthy conversations. 

 

A lot of defensiveness comes from the way people interpret criticism. Many men hear conversations about patriarchy and immediately internalize them as personal moral judgment. If women say they are afraid while walking alone at night, some men hear, “Women think I’m dangerous.” If sexism is discussed, they hear, “You are a bad person”and the instinct becomes self-protection. Clarify. Distance. Defend. 

“But I would never do that.” 

“I’m not like those men.” 

“Not all men are dangerous.” 

But accountability and accusation are not the same thing. 

You don’t have to actively dislike women to unknowingly internalize sexist beliefs or conditioning. You don’t have to be abusive to benefit from social systems that often favor men. That doesn’t automati When women speak about misogyny, violence, harassment, or the fear many of us are socialized to carry, there is often a predictable interruption waiting around the corner: “But not all men.” 

And while that statement may sound reasonable on the surface, it often derails the actual conversation taking place. 

Most women already know that not every man is unsafe or harmful. We have fathers we admire, brothers we feel protected by, friends we trust, and partners who care deeply for us. The conversation was never about blaming every single man it was about acknowledging the experiences and realities many women live with. 

The conversation is about patterns. About systems. About the way girls and boys are often raised very differently because of the realities women are expected to navigate. 

 

Girls are taught to always stay on guard, and here are some day-to-day examples:  

• Hold their keys carefully while walking alone 

• Avoid empty streets 

• Share live locations with friends 

• Watch their drinks at parties 

• Carry pepper spray, sit a certain way 

• Dress a certain way 

• Smile politely when uncomfortable 

• Constantly calculate safety in ordinary situations 

• Be home before the dark  

Many boys grow up with freedoms girls are taught to negotiate carefully. 

 

Women notice that difference very early. So, when women speak about fear, caution, sexism, or anger, and the immediate response becomes “not all men,” something important happens emotionally. The focus quietly shifts away from women’s lived experiences and toward reassuring men that they are not personally being accused. 

And over time, that becomes exhausting. 

Many women begin speaking about sexism with disclaimers already attached. 

“I know it’s not every man, but…” 

“Obviously I’m not talking about all men… cally make someone a bad person it makes them human, influenced by the culture and environment they grew up in, like all of us are. 

Sometimes women are speaking sociologically, and men respond individually. 

That disconnect matters. 

If a woman says, “Women are taught to fear men,” and the immediate response becomes, “Well I would never hurt anyone,” the conversation has already shifted. Now the emotional labour becomes reassuring the listener instead of exploring the issue being raised. 

This can create another layer of tension. Even men who genuinely believe in gender equality may start feeling like they have to be overly careful, constantly trying to show that they’re “one of the good ones.” Conversations become defensive, tense, and overly cautious instead of reflective and honest. 

Meaningful dialogue cannot happen if women are expected to perfectly package their pain in ways that never make anyone uncomfortable. 

Discomfort is sometimes part of accountability. 

Support does not always require having the perfect response. Often, it simply requires resisting the urge to recentre yourself emotionally. 

 

Sometimes support can sound like: 

"I never really thought about how early girls start worrying about their safety." 

"That sounds really exhausting to carry." 

"I get why so many women feel angry or frustrated." 

"What can men do better?" 

Responses like these leave room for conversation instead of shifting the focus away from what’s being shared. 

At its heart, feminism isn’t asking men to feel guilty simply for being men, or to step out of the conversation altogether. It’s asking for the willingness to listen to women’s experiences without immediately needing to separate themselves from the issue or seek reassurance that it doesn’t apply to them. 

There is a difference between being blamed and being asked to reflect. 

Many conversations around gender would become healthier if people learned to recognize that distinction. 

At iDare, we believe difficult conversations around gender, emotions, identity, and relationships deserve nuance, compassion, and emotional honesty. Through therapy, workshops, and reflective spaces, we help individuals navigate discomfort, communication, boundaries, and deeper self-awareness in healthier ways. 

If you’re looking to build more emotionally aware relationships with yourself and others, connect with us at iDare Therapy, which is safe, inclusive and affordable.  

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