Did you really think I would not go into the psychological bit?

 

Since we were talking about needs previously, there are the psychological ones to consider as well. Though there is more. I’m wondering if open relationships act as an escape for people who fear emotional availability, dependency and vulnerability. 

 

When we speak of avoidance, open relationships may work like a blessing for people who resist vulnerability in relationships. They can get all the perks of the relationship without worrying too much about investing in one. 

 

Then there is also the fear of permanence, especially when there is so much out there in the world. How would we ever decide to settle for this one fish in the pond? 

 

What if there are other ponds? Lakes and oceans, even? So many different types of fish, more capable, more exciting.

 

What we cannot ignore is the trauma some of us may be carrying. Maybe open relationships feel safer sometimes without forcing vulnerability, efforts or trust on people when they may not feel ready. The same with fear of abandonment or control when we come from emotionally abusive relationships. 

 

There is also the emotional labour. Some people might say one relationship needs you to communicate, express emotions, make space and time, but if you ask me, open relationships may need them even more. 

 

Furthermore, we have to ask who will be dealing with all the jealousy, resentment, and the continuous back-and-forth of managing multiple bonds?

 

Emotional literacy around communication, regulation, rupture and repair, and conflict becomes so important in open relationships. Well, unless we are avoiding, we might break it off and move on with the next person. Harsh!

I, however, stand by what I said; non-monogamy does not bypass attachment dynamics; it amplifies them.

 

The Idealised Narrative vs Lived Reality

 

Something that I cannot ignore when I think of open relationships is all those Reddit posts. Have you seen how one partner pressures the other in some committed relationships to open the relationship, which then also leads to a lot of resentment?

 

This also raises an important question: not all open relationships may be consensual. What if one partner wants it and the other is scared to lose their partner or the relationship, and agrees only out of fear or because they might feel like they have no other choice? 

 

Another important question: Is consent always freely given, or is it negotiated in exchange for a threat of loss?

Who benefits from these, and who feels pressured?

 

Here, questions about power dynamics, gender, and emotional labour come up, where we might expect one person to be okay with something because the other person wants it. A person who earns or provides for the family may make this decision, while a dependent partner might feel they have no say in the matter. 

 

Calling something consensual does not automatically make it non-coercive.

 

The label “progressive” may not always mean progressive in the real sense. A lot of times, it can appear progressive at the cost of rupturing relationships and trust, and of someone else’s resentments and helplessness. 

 

Is emotional harm the price we pay for radical honesty?

 

A Moral Verdict?

 

As I mentioned at the beginning, I'm still trying to figure out what open relationships are and what goes into them. So this piece is in no way a judgment. I’m a therapist, you guys, we don't judge, but we ask the right questions. 

 

The rise of non-monogamy points to a shift in culture, norms, intimacy, and even love under current circumstances. It is not for us to say this is good or bad. Remember, it's not a one-size-fits-all situation. 

 

For those people whose traditional marriage styles work, they may continue to do so, but they must try not to shun away from an idea, a new wave of change that might help make things less rigid for others. 

 

It is equally important not to coerce people into doing something they do not want to do. 

 

We may be in the process of redesigning relationships, but we also need to redesign the systems within which they exist.

The question isn't “What relationship model is right?”, but “What kinds of relationships allow people to feel safe, chosen and free?”

Through our work at iDare, we continue to focus on creating spaces to explore these questions with more nuance than judgment, including understanding attachment patterns, navigating relationship transitions, and building a healthier, conscious connection. 

Image Credits: Pexels